I wrote today in the Neurospicy R Us blog today, and it was about how even though we struggle with things, and don't know how to have people help us, we are NOT so alone. Wrote a nice long post about it, posted it, shared it to all the social medias, etc. Then I sat down to look at my life and how things are going and realized that I really suck at following my own advice with things. I really suck at not feeling alone and lost and so on. I really struggle to beleive that anyone understands what I am going through, because way too often, when I do try explain my feelings or thoughts or what I am going through, all I get in response from people is, "I'm sorry you are going through that". That's it, that's all I get. I get people feeling sorry for me. I get people telling me they don't know how they could survive with their brain attacking them like that, or how they could even begin to handle half of what I have been through.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad they are listening to me. I am glad that they are there for me. I am glad that I know there are people who want to help me out. I really am. I just never know what kind of help I would even need, and I am getting tired of all the responces being about just how bad off I am. I know they mean well, and that they are actually trying to show that they are proud of me for continuing on in life despite of or in spite of what's happened or is happening. I get that, I really do. I am not trying to make light of them at all. I am just tired of not being able to move past that point.
Now yes, there are counselers and therapists and specialists and medication that can help with most of the issues that I am dealing with and/or going through. That's not the point though. See all those things cost money in one way or another. All of those things are just there to assist in dealing with the things. None of them can actually take all the issues away. None of them can fix all the issues for me. None of them can even give me the exact answers on how to start fixing the issues. At least, not in my experiance. They try, they really do, but there are limitations to what they can do, and the rest falls on me. I have a proven track record however of giving up when working on myself gets too difficult to deal with. I have a track record of just pushing the issues aside and just moving on without dealing with them completely like I should.
Why do I do this? It's because my trauma filled brain took a quote from my father, and has made that it's mantra on why I can't seem to ever spend the right amount of time needed to get things fixed.
"Time waits for no one. There is no pause button, there is no undo button, time does not stop. It will not just wait for you to be ready for what comes next, so you need to keep moving forward."
Now, was my father trying to tell me to keep going on with things and not finish fixing myself, no, however that seemed to be what he did for himself and I can't seem to not follow in his footsteps with that one. The man pushed off so many things cuz there just wasn't enough time, until the day that it all caught up with him. Been almost two years now since he passed, and I still struggle with it often. I still hear his voice in my head telling me, "Time waits for no man." I still see him pushing himself harder and harder to keep up appearences and make the money needed and just keep pushing through the pain and the tired and the fatigue and the sickness and the...........
He wasn't wrong though, time doesn't stop. Time keeps marching forward wether we want it to or not. What I am trying to learn however is how to make the most of the time that I do have. How to take time every day to set aside for my own mental and physical health. How to accept that there are days that nothing is going to get done around the house, but that they are needed to recharge myself. How to accept the bits of help that people do give me and make the most of them while I can. Most importantly, how to be willing to put myself first more often so I stop burning myself out.
That will be another post soon, how it's not selfish to put yourself first more often life, but it fits here too.
If I am ever to get past this feeling of being all alone. If I am ever to be able to hear people say they are sorry I had to go through what I have, and accept it as it is meant. If I am ever to move forward in my life and my self work and become the better me that I want to be. Then I need to learn to accept the fact that even though time doesn't wait for anyone, I am allowed to take time to wait for myself.
