Need to remove my Jaded/Skeptical filter

 One of the biggest issues that I am coming across is how jaded and skeptical of everything in life I have become over time. The more that life screws me over, or at least appears to, the more and more I expect it to every time. I'm not sure if it is just a self fulfilling prophecy or if I am genuinely cursed to always have life shit on me. It's like I am doomed to always get close to what I want, and then to have the universe either take it away, or take something else which lessens the thing it did give me. I know, that all sounds rather depressing, but this is how my brain works. This is how life has appeared to me for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be so jaded and skeptical of anything good happening, but when you have spent your life actually seeing the other shoe drop on a regular basis, your view of the world gets all skewed.

I am working hard on trying to remove that filter from my world view but it is so incredibly ingrained into who I am, that I am not always sure when I am and am not using the filter. It's become such a default way of existing that I have no idea of how to even attempt to actually turn it off. Every time something good happens I start looking around to find out what's going to kick me down next, and every single time it comes hurtling at me. Sometimes it comes fast and hard to knocks me the fuck down, other times I find out it's been slowly growing unobserved in the background till it no longer can be ignored. No matter how it arrives though, the other shoe always drops and my jaded and skeptical filter always proves that it is needed. 

I used to look at the world in a much brighter light, the filter was there, but I was able to turn it off and search for the good times to come without wracking myself over the next shoe. I used to be able to find the good in things and people, and actually trust them to follow through on the goodness I saw. I used to smile often, and sing, and jump around, and have all kinds of energy and joy when I was around people I trusted. Then I got used and abused and taken advantage of in many different ways. Then the universe started shitting on me constantly, with no remorse. Then my life became a daily battle of just trying to make it through the day without another disaster. Then the filter was always needed and the ability to turn it off became a distant memory. When you live every day on high alert and anxiety, watching your life fall apart, and constantly being told that it's all your fault (even when it wasn't), you become hyper away of all the negativity around you. It becomes the only thing you see, the only thing you worry about, and the only thing you can think about. You become ever vigilant to just how often the other shoe drops in your life, and trying to find ways to make it stop.

Problem with hypervigilance, especially in this case, is that you have spent so long searching for the negative to be able to avoid it, that it is now the only thing you see. Seeing the light, the good, the fun, in the world around you is no longer in your skill set. You have now programmed your brain to use this filter at all times, no matter what, and it might take just as long if not longer to unprogram it than it did to program it. There is almost nothing more frustrating than realizing that in our attempt at survival, you did all the programming yourself, on yourself, that you are now trying to get rid of by yourself. There is no one who can do that reprogramming for you, cuz they have no idea how your individual code works in order to remove the code and the filter. Every single person has different variations of the same code, which means sometimes there are enough similarities in the code to be able to have your reprogramming method work for someone else, but it will never be able to work for everyone. Sometimes, no ones methods can work for you, and you are stuck having to come up with your own through trial and error. The errors are the part that make it so hard to keep trying, because they are so defeating in nature.

So I am trying hard to get rid of it, but it's a battle I have to take on alone, because I am the only one who even kind of understands my internal coding. I am trying though, honest.