I am just tired of being this way and never having it work in my favor. I've been told my whole life not to do things just to try and get something in return, but I'm tired of always giving and rarely receiving. I'm tired of giving of myself to those around me and having to fight to get people to do the same for me. Being a venting post sucks when no one will be a post for you. Being a safe place for people sucks when they only need you when their life sucks, and then vanish when things are going good. Being a good person is great until people won't be good to you in return.
We have to stop living in the mentality that we need to give without expectation of receiving in return. Don't get me wrong, that is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but that can't be how we live our lives. Trust me, as someone who has spent their life trying to give without the expectation of getting anything in return, after a while, you get jaded and start seeing nothing but the worst in people. When you have a ton of friends while life is going good and/or you're in a position of power, and then they all disappear when life sucks and/or you no longer have the power, you realize just how selfish and shitty most people are. When you are always there for those you hold dear, and they aren't there when you need them, you wonder why you held them dear in the first place.
As I start unpacking my mind, and my trauma, and my past, and my Neuro-spicyness, I am starting to see an absolutely appalling pattern when it comes to the people I've held the closest to my heart. So many of the people that I thought of as my closest friends, were just using me or keeping me around to be the butt of the jokes. Oh and I know, you're reading this thinking it couldn't have been that bad, yet every time I tell stories about my past to my wife or therapist or kids or one of the few friends i have, i always get the same response, "are you serious? That's not okay that they treated you like that." I know it's not, but what other choice did I have? If I stayed to myself I was told I needed to stop being a loner and go socialize more, but when I socialized people took advantage of my giving nature and my desperation for people to like me, and used me. Time and time and time and time and time again. Which means I am now 40, trying to connect with people, and I have no idea what an actual friend really looks like for me. I am trying to get people to fill a void that I don't actually understand. I keep trying and trying and just keep getting it wrong.
Everything I'm my journey right now is trial and error, and sadly all I keep having at the moment is errors. No, not just at the moment, my whole life. I keep trying to be the person I was told I had to be to be liked and loved by others and yet I just keep failing. So now I need to try to just be me, but I have no clue who that person is. Which makes it hard to figure out who to have in my life. Makes it hard to figure out how to act around people. Makes it hard to just exist without hating myself and wishing I were someone, anyone, else.
But here I am, still trying.
